Uncomfortably Numb!

I have to admit I am not in the best of mindsets right now because:

• My latest work related discussion didn't go as well as I would have liked it to go (attempt at winging it didn't go that well).
• Bank account is reaching its bottom and no source of income yet, not even a distant possibility!
• I'm extremely dissatisfied with my current living arrangements and so to say I am really not that excited about my upcoming temporary living arrangements too!
• I am literally starving myself to death because of my current living arrangements. Eternally hungry me is eternally grumpy me.
• I am getting all jealous and cranky about this so called "Platonic" friendship.
• I miss Louie so much, can't live with or without her.
• Nymph from land of the the skies is hell bent of getting rid of my stuff, for which I have no control to tackle the situation with her. I have decided to just give up on rest of the everything and stick to my wardrobe. If I made decent money I will be able to replenish the missing stuff in no time. 
• TBH I really feel lonely, I really wish upon somebody who would be there for me(romantically) no matter what!

To sum it up I'm jobless, penniless, homeless (figuratively), hungry and lonely. Not an ideal situation, but I know that this should pass too. I'm just glad that I'm trying my level best not to irk people on the way. I will be able to pave my way through these adversities.
Just a little while ago all I cared about was a status, now that I have a legal status. I have these new list of worries. As we progress in life our worries shift their shapes and appearances but continue their existence in one form or the other.

Insomnia hits one more time!

Random Thought:
"Sometimes when too much of anything starts adversely affecting the deal then letting go is the best solution."

Officially on break from school but life's too domesticated that nothing's happening. I have fcuked the routine one more time and have to get back back to normal routine asap. Liking the changes in the atmosphere and the one's within. I hate the nice me who kinda is way too gullible but the croocked me is kinda way too kewl. Good in fact great Chrstmas, million times better than the Diwali. I miss baapoo the most, I really love my old man sometimes more than his once upon a time better half. I just long to spend a weekend with with them which will be very soon and I am really looking forward to it, infact I have started with me shopping already! ;)

Finances have been drastically improved, this one I really owe to me old man and his continious support. I am glad that he's been the nicest father when I list expected him to be. Me extra niceness with the family kinda leaves me thinking but in the end it's all good they all deserved to be treated well. I share this special bond with the three members that I just wish it to last for a while before I officially part my ways. I like being selfish and shrewd with this one, since he's totally worth it especially with that corny accent, unnecessary greed and being the smarty pants wherever we go. I miss thee but I am too scared to express these days 'coz the more I did the more ineffective it felt.  Thy art happy in your own little part of the world and me in mine and the two can't run parallel in harmony at least not at the moment. I wish you wouldn't have been such a disaster to friendship and for a moment I actually thought that we could be great friends and then you went around playing the back stabbing games of yours and thus killed it for me. :(

Thanks for being so informal and sweetly dumb that I felt a step closer to you. I deeply feel for you hope you do the magic trick for me. Nonetheless I empathise with you for what you've gone through and I salute your courage I think you did a neat job of masking your sorrows. Sadly, our eyes were way too curious and we got what we didn't anticipate. We do respect you and your secret will be safe with us. I hate your increasing proximity towards me, especially when you're not so nice with your own folks and always going out of your way for me. I don't want this leading to any misunderstandings which could shake my comfort zone but there's not much I can do about it. I need this special attention that I am getting from you. :)

check list(ed)!

Have booked my flight ticket for 2nd Aug.
Have booked maa's and mine rail ticket, haven't spoken to bapu yet but if he insists then will book him for some other train.
Spending my 25th b'day at Tirupti, nothing can be more special than getting blessings from the almighty.

BalaM will be leaving morrow night and thus I'll be celebrating with wine :P.. not his departure but the formal approval on my plans of a new begining.
I have literally fried BalaM's brains with BhejaFry 1 n BhejaFry 2. I am glad that he liked it, poor thing had not seen a movie since 2003.
It's kinda weird that I am never hungry and sleepy these days, unlike during the wait.
Planning to install a web cam for my desktop and will give it to maa, my laptop to bapu and maa's desktop to poopoo.
Cleaning my computers, hard drives since they won't be mine soon.
Right now mind is at a very peaceful disposition. Things are moving but at a very soothing pace.
Happy :)

Stamped!

Finally!!!

The wait is over and thankfully on a very positive note.
My passport has been stamped by the embassy and it has been received by the consultant, I am yet to see it with my eyes though.
I am getting, all that i always dreamed of and thankfully maa and bapu are with me on this whole thing.
I couldn't celebrate since BalaM is at home and OnH's death.
The wine bottle is still waiting for me to open it, I think I'll just do it anyways.
I am kinda nervous 'coz I'll have either one of my parents sending me off at Mumbai airport.
The feeling is yet to sink in me since I am not ''overjoyed'' about my planning.
Bammi's the only person who has been constantly reinforcing the magnitude of the day's development.
Finally, Bapu's agreed for 12K additional also for my preponing the whole movement by a month's time.
Had taken BalaM for a long ride and then for a lime soda but my heart wasn't into it.
OnH's death had resurfaced and had created an issue in the family.
Did cook chicken biryani and it turned out really well.
Did miss out on ctching Cars 2 first day, first show but will watch it some other time.
Finally I am glad that God has been kind enough to set me free, just the way I wanted to!

This old song fits apt to my current state of mind... Happy :)

Deck(ed)!

BalaM is visiting, he arrived this morning with poopoo. I had promised him that I would receive them at the station so I had kept me awake the whole night and was right on time, very unlike me, eh? We had a miscommunication last night, I had hinted him to get down at Ajni rather than the main station. Since this was his first time to get down at Ajni, I wanted to confirm if he was game? I started buzzing him from 5am but bledy his phone was switched off. Finally I left home at 5.30, maa called while I was just about to start my bike that he is getting down at Ajni!

Internet was down for past two days. Didn’t miss much except when I had to check the whereabouts of my visa application. Bammi wasn’t reachable and Ashu couldn’t help, in desperation blew all my talktime balance on gprs, only to find out the f**k up done by the consultant. No internet and no mood for any torrent based entertainment drove me to pick up ‘Freakonomics’, half done but taking it slow now since I am back to broadband. Maa and I played kitty and rummy after ages. It was so much fun to see her wild competitiveness. That woman can’t accept defeat it was fun to watch her win her defeats were even more fun and dramatic.  I often cheated on purpose just to make her mad. I am too fed up of fighting over food so daily I am cooking religiously. My garlic tomato trick is a success, it tastes so well that maa has literally pushed her lunch from 12pm to 4pm. Tried my hands on the chariot special chocolate smoothie and succeeded too. Printed some of the good clicks and now presenting a framed version to whomsoever it belongs to. The joy of giving, nothing can beat that and by the way I hate receiving!

My bank loan papers were finally ready on 1^st June after so much of running around the whole of May. Even after submitting every damn paper related to me on the face of Earth. My visa application has been submitted on 20^th June. The Consultant was simply sitting on it, until I inquired. On my inquiry the excuse given for the delay was so silly that any poor dog would have sniffed suspicion. This whole thing has killed my Thailand plans. My 31^st July departure has been postponed to 3^rd August now, since the airfare has shot up like crazy. Bledy morons!!!  They don’t even realize that they are dealing people’s careers and hard earned money. 

Adorable infidelity?

I could have never imagined putting the two words next to each other ever, not even in my wildest dream. Yes, I am doing the unthinkable and this is the effect of the movie, ‘My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend’. 

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Oya’s recommendation, frankly I wasn’t very sure. This was the third attempt to watch it and I wasn’t quite sure if I’ll watch it over ten minutes, just like my previous two attempts.  I had no expectations at all since Family guy, TLOTR-trilogy, Schindler’s list had failed to keep me engaged.  OnH’s demise had no immediate effects but slowly the whole thing started messing with my head. I was consciously making efforts to keep my mind off it but the damage was already done in my subconscious.

I sense pain in my words and I don’t want to be sorry so getting back to ‘My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend’ which kinda saved the day for me. It pulled me out of the depression that I slowly was sinking in. The movie doesn’t pick up for the first 15 minutes. It ain’t funny but it’s adorable. Love the way Alyssa Milano makes her infidelity justified so convincingly that one actually feels her shoes. Christopher Gorham is cute and so is Tom Lenk.  Michael Landes is the ideal man, every girl’s dream. It surely will break any girl’s heart while breaking off with any one of them!

Bubble(y) girl!

Ditto mine :)

Highlight of the day: Got me first electronic bubble shooter with dhin-chak lights ;)

Community season 1 down.
Woke up to learn about consultant's yet another goof up.
Thankfully maa could understand the need of the hour and made my way clear without any mach-mach.
Ate tummy full of dal wadas and had coffee after months.
Rushed to the consultant, RE-submitted documents 'nth' time.
Buddhi's flying in about 12 hrs for states, crazy female asked for a rare poster on the last moment. Checked the market in and out, but no luck. Incorrigible me, searched on the internet, edited in photoshop and have given it for print due in next 10 hours.
Went to the toy shop, did loadsa window shopping and bought some stuff, not to forget the much awaited bubble gun.
Goofed around with Louie and chatted with Bammi.
Spoke to DidiM and BalaM, he's visiting us next week.
My b'day plans are almost fucked up but I need to figure out some way to get away from home. It's nothing like I am over enthusiastic about b'days but I surely want to avoid the usual childish celebrations, gifts and formalities with people who don't matter at all.
I know things aren't exactly going my way and they never will but what the hell I can't burn my blood in the wait.
So now on the wait doesn't rule but instead I am going to focus on me last few days of being at home. The new plans have a lot to offer, especially many mo' struggles so this ain't the end but the beginning!

colo(u)red!

the wait... finally I have started chocking, gasping for oxygen and sinking with ripples!

It's the second week of the wait and I don't even have the f***ing application receipt number, thus I can't track the status.

Despite the firm belief that I am a totally deserving candidate, the evil in me anticipates some minor screw up and thus a major f**k up.

Monsoon has brought some pleasantries but thats just not enough.

Dudley has finally managed to grab a hold on his new territory, I really appreciate his fighting spirits.

Loui is as usual pi**ed about something or the other.

Thankfully airfare for my desired date is still the same.

Thai plans seem awfully difficult, the other passport is stuck beyond clearance.

Over the weekend, colored my finger n toe nails after ages.

Finished three seasons of  ''Parks n Rec'' and ''Arrested Development'' each.

All I need is Leslie Knope's dedication and positivism and Michael Bluth's patience.

Started watching ''Community''.

Tried my hands on website development and I sucked at it.

I am putting a straight face without hints of my sorrows, disapproval and pain to almost everything in life. 

I miss the one hand that I could hold and every damn thing will turn fine but what the hell, it's just a mirage chased by millions.

The disrespect (ignorance actually) to Dudley and Oge's crazy behavior kinda haunts me but seriously that was way too annoying and intimidating in my personal space, so no guilt there.

Uttib visited and this time I kinda put my worries ahead of everything again no guilt.

It feels different, weird, scary and disturbing to be emotionally detached from everything and everybody but self.

I really miss somebody to hang out with, watch movies with, go places with and eat out with in short Bammi,  I wish he would have had the sweet tooth too!

I hate the fact that I am awaiting for one tiny signal to collect myself up and start all over again.

The wait... to break free!

Whined away!

WTF!!!

So called 'Indian Picasso' is dead at 96(RIP).
Yog guru has lost over 7 Kgs in 6 days in all the nautanki (as if it was really required).
The international fellow turned out to be a lousy, jackass.
Chicken masala sucked.
I think the butcher conned me 'coz I had bought one full chicken and one drumstick is missing from the meat. Until it was a one legged chicken?
Heroes got over, TBBT got over and I am stuck with bunch of dull stuff.
Today's market visit was a flop show in Nagpur heat.
Old n haggard is all set to rock the peace with his menace.
Dudley got kicked from the old and the new ain't accepting him. He's one grumpy fellow.
Loui is all charged up but for all the ''wrong'' things.
Two passports holding back the international flight.
One stamp is going to decide me future in a 'BIG' way.
Weird and deadly nightmares are haunting and are scary as hell, yet I don't remember exactly what happened in them.
It's cloudy, yet it ain't raining here.
I long for spirits, to lose myself.
I am eating away my worries and it kinda sucks the most!
Everything kinda sucks, but have made my peace with LIFE and I know that we are cool!

:-) ? :-( ? Emoticon crisis!

Uttib had called on the first day and informed that she'll visit in the evening. She sounded horribly drunk but that couldn't possibly be true since she's a teetotaler. I kind sensed that something's was wrong but then she denied and I agreed to her denial!

Meanwhile, my ship of hope was sinking daily. My loan sanction letter was getting stuck at every possible level and thus delaying me application and that was kinda killing me. I was growing awfully indifferent and had lost myself in back to back episodes of Heroes. I was in no mood to speak or listen. Even Bammi noticed the change in me. These day chatting with him has become a part of the routine, if I don't talk to him the day does seem incomplete. This time I wasn't in the car(destiny) forget about being at the drivers seat. I hate process delays and there wasn't anything that I could do about it. In fact I was scared that my meddling will worsen the results. I was also horribly followed up by Bapu for the status which was kinda annoying under such circumstances. 

I am happy that finally my ship has left the shore, I am not sure what it's gonna be, eh? I am positive though! Things were dramatic but ultimately all's well that ends well. Finally bapu's got what he was waiting for almost over an year now. Thankfully his efforts and his resources have paid back. Honestly, maa had lost all her hopes and  bapu's were kinda sinking too! 

I am sad for Uttib, yet again she chose the wrong man and has been left heartbroken. She's been betrayed by not only one man but by series of folks from her inner circle of trust. I was glad to be there for her, I was surprised that in my punctured mindset I could be of some help to her. It was also surprising revelation that how much I mean to her. How easily she could open up to me. She almost had tears when she admitted my judgement of people and situations. She said that she would listen to me but she won't and I know that. She is yet to outgrow her infatuation with the rowdys and ghatys and thus this time I said nothing more than some comforting words. I know, I should not have give up hope on her but I did, long time back. She's already crossed my i-told-you-so meter's limits! Bapu's been hanging in the middle of nowhere and thats very alarming. I only wish and hope that things do get better in his life soon. I seek his support for some more time and then I'll be ready to support him for the lifetime(hope so at least) (provided if he needs).

The consultancy took me sign on the consent form, I kinda disliked that especially since I will be violating many of the clauses. If all goes well then I'll surely payback after all they kinda helped. I am not in best of mindsets but I am hanging onto an invisible thread of positivity and hope. I am doing just fine.

I love  MJ's you are not alone in such situations. Does everything has to decode to love and relationship? There are things beyond all that!

Isolation...

Aapla aapan karava vichaar taravaya paar bhava Sindhu!

Feeling very very indifferent at the same time too tempted to break free. Going through a tough time, never thought that things those I longed the most once upon a time will feel so suffocating. I think I am so frigging used to the fast, harsh, troublesome and lonely life that I find it difficult to enjoy/survive the slow, smooth, peaceful and easy life.

I received certain facts and figures with regards to my upcoming future, eh? It wasn't something that I had never anticipated in fact it was exactly the same that I had always imagined and was mentally prepared to deal with. The weaker, the lamer and the dependent types always follow the herd without any struggle for self. i can very well do that but thats not who I am. I derive immense pride and satisfaction from my struggles. It's the healthy stress that keeps adrenalin flowing for me. I love breaking my spine for my project at hand. All I am concerned and worried is for the upcoming formalities of the desired transition.

Things are getting uglier at the full stop. I have been transformed into a very selfish creature by the abstinence process. I am glad to be at this emotional quotient but kinda struggling to keep my temper in control. My wings yearn for flight, I need to be on my own anyhow and as soon as possible. I think I am at my best with strangers,eh! Yeah I don't have to pretend with strangers, I am not required to please them. I can be just my own selfish self and get away with maximum enjoyment without any regrets or resentments.

Right now I think Mellow Motif's version of lemon tree is more apt for me..

There is absolutely nothing on my mind right now... Absolutely no thoughts of  yesterday, today or tomorrow. Isolation!!! I think it's exactly what I chase now. 

Cheerful...

Feeling unusually cheerful...

The break tuned out quite beneficial. It has got me closer to many of my set my objectives.
Started sleeping on the floor for direct benefits from  room cooler, however my back has started hurting in a very weird way.

Changed desktop background to this!

Tried and then made some simple, yet totally new and delicious recipes :) 

Forlorn!

"Akele aaye the is duniya mein aur akele hi jayenge!"

We were born alone and we will die alone, is the simple translation of the above Hindi phrase. I have been feeling extremely low since last couple of days, mainly because I have started working towards flying away from my nest. My flight will be long and destination is miles away from my nest. My heart aches even thinking about leaving everything on aged wings. All my life I have been acting as stabilizer in ever withering nest of mine. I never knew, never cared if there was something beyond my nest.

Lately, I have started observing the changes in the world around. I have started listening to the voice within. I am forming my own opinions and deciding whats right and whats wrong for myself and for my nest. This in return has started resulting in conflicts, daily chaos, hourly arguments. Suddenly, I feel that my wings are stronger than the strength of my nest. The nest can't deal with my aspirations and thus my decision of this flight.

Ever since this awakening, this sense of self I have started feeling lonely. I don't know if my life so far will be evident in my future. I don't know if I will have routined, so called "normal" life. I don't know if I will find someone special or not? I don't know if I ever will trust somebody enough that I will build a nest of my own. My future is foggy but my present isn't pleasant too!

I feel tangled in the worry for my nest. I don't know its fate, once I fly away. I am not sure if it can survive a blow of wind? I know one thing for sure that whatever happens I won't be there to hold it together again. I am scared , after all in this whole world  this nest is the only thing thats my own, eh?

My worries are eating me inside out. This is so not me but the whole situation is beyond my control and I am leaving it to fate. I don't want to kill myself for something that I am totally helpless in.  I think the only thing that I can do is to make my life decent enough, that the warmth of my happiness and satisfaction gleams in this part of the world(my nest specially).

Image courtesy : lindabucklin.com & happydance.com.au

Total Cut Off

Strange but a fact that I can totally cut off from the world. For no fault of mine I have kinda placed myself in exile and I am kinda enjoying it too. I am not psychic expert hence have no explanation for my psychic but I think life  has taught me to be like this, not sure when, how and why but I am programmed like that.

I love sharing nice things, joy and progress with people around me and I hate to admit that I have no such thing happening around may be this because of my present, though I am people's person but I am in to a total cut off zone of world!

Confused Soul!!!

Finally my blogging journey begins. It's been close to a year since I have created my account but the first blog is getting out now. No one will believe but I have a draft of my first blog saved in my account because i could never finish it and now it's redundant to be my first post.

What took me so long to express myself???

Actually after a long time in my life i feel free, no burdens and no clock to follow.

I am unemployed currently, just out of a white collar high profile job with a MNC. My decision of getting out of my so called passion of life was quick and involved no emotions, I never thought things would end up this way but they did. I don't know how exactly I am feeling but I am not sad for sure.

I spent close to 35 months away from home thinking that I would be able to identify and develop my own identity. My identity different from my people, a unique lifestyle which never existed back home. I always say I'm like water, I can adapt any and everywhere and so i got into the good, the bad and the ugly aspects of life. Not that I have regretted last 35 months, in fact I had some of the best times of my life. I laughed my heart out and I shed tears for ocean. I learnt, I grew, I built relations, I broke my heart, I gave, I took and many more.

Six more days until I return back to home, my reality the place known to me so to say my comfort zone. They say progress is about pushing yourself out of your comfort zone but I failed miserably in my attempt of flying away from my nest. I went aside for a while but I always longed for my home, my people and my true reality. I was happy but I am happiest back home. Here I need reasons and occasions to smile but there an ordinary moment also holds capacity to bring smile on my face.

I am going back with lots of expectations from various people but I somehow don't care. I am moving back for myself. I want to create my own life, my own way. If you ask me how I am going to do that I have no clue but I am sure I will. I am living my life with a motto that no matter what I'll always strive hard to be happy and comfortable in whatever situation. I have miles to go and million promises to keep before I finally say bye.